his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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