i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
organizing the empties. That sober.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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