I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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