I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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