I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
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I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
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who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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