Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
