I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
