I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
