Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
When are your genitals available?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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