Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
false alarm. still invincible.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
