I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You may now shotgun with the bride
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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