Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
