hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
