i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
