Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind

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(757): View more from Virginia

i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.

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(360): View more from Washington

Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

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(310): View more from California

Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.

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(903): View more from Texas

I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.

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(713): View more from Texas

Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?

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