so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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