It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
