i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
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Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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