uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
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You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
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You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We had sex on a dog bed..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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