I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
