I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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