You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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