Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
