the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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