Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
