I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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