I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my being single is dangerous.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
