I smell stomach acid.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
