I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
