Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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