he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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