I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
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Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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