i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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