god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
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