i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
