so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
