Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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