i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
