Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
