I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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