I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
