made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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