i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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