By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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