I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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