I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
FUCK WHALES
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
