I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
