I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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