Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
