dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.