I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
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Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
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I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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