Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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