What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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