Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
