I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
