He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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