I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
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All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
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OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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