dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
