9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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