I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
